Confessions Book 2 1151 verses
1I will now call to mind my past foulness, and the carnal corruptions of my soul; not because I love them, but that I may love Thee, O my God.
2For love of Thy love I do it; reviewing my most wicked ways in the very bitterness of my remembrance, that Thou mayest grow sweet unto me (Thou sweetness never failing, Thou blissful and assured sweetness); and gathering me again out of that my dissipation, wherein I was torn piecemeal, while turned from Thee, the One Good, I lost myself among a multiplicity of things.
3For I even burnt in my youth heretofore, to be satiated in things below; and I dared to grow wild again, with these various and shadowy loves: my beauty consumed away, and I stank in Thine eyes; pleasing myself, and desirous to please in the eyes of men.
4And what was it that I delighted in, but to love, and be loved?
5but I kept not the measure of love, of mind to mind, friendship's bright boundary: but out of the muddy concupiscence of the flesh, and the bubblings of youth, mists fumed up which beclouded and overcast my heart, that I could not discern the clear brightness of love from the fog of lustfulness.
6Both did confusedly boil in me, and hurried my unstayed youth over the precipice of unholy desires, and sunk me in a gulf of flagitiousnesses.
7Thy wrath had gathered over me, and I knew it not.
8I was grown deaf by the clanking of the chain of my mortality, the punishment of the pride of my soul, and I strayed further from Thee, and Thou lettest me alone, and I was tossed about, and wasted, and dissipated, and I boiled over in my fornications, and Thou heldest Thy peace, O Thou my tardy joy!
9Thou then heldest Thy peace, and I wandered further and further from Thee, into more and more fruitless seed-plots of sorrows, with a proud dejectedness, and a restless weariness.
10Oh!
11that some one had then attempered my disorder, and turned to account the fleeting beauties of these, the extreme points of Thy creation!
12had put a bound to their pleasureableness, that so the tides of my youth might have cast themselves upon the marriage shore, if they could not be calmed, and kept within the object of a family, as Thy law prescribes, O Lord: who this way formest the offspring of this our death, being able with a gentle hand to blunt the thorns which were excluded from Thy paradise?
13For Thy omnipotency is not far from us, even when we be far from Thee.
14Else ought I more watchfully to have heeded the voice from the clouds: Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh, but I spare you.
15And it is good for a man not to touch a woman.
16And, he that is unmarried thinketh of the things of , how he may please ; but he that is married careth for the things of this world, how he may please his wife.
17To these words I should have listened more attentively, and being severed for the kingdom of heaven's sake, had more happily awaited Thy embraces; but I, poor wretch, foamed like a troubled sea, following the rushing of my own tide, forsaking Thee, and exceeded all Thy limits; yet I escaped not Thy scourges.
18For what mortal can?
19For Thou wert ever with me mercifully rigorous, and besprinkling with most bitter alloy all my unlawful pleasures: that I might seek pleasures without alloy.
20But where to find such, I could not discover, save in Thee, O Lord, who teachest by sorrow, and woundest us, to heal; and killest us, lest we die from Thee.
21Where was I, and how far was I exiled from the delights of Thy house, in that sixteenth year of the age of my flesh, when the madness of lust (to which human shamelessness giveth free licence, though unlicensed by Thy laws) took the rule over me, and I resigned myself wholly to it?
22My friends meanwhile took no care by marriage to save my fall; their only care was that I should learn to speak excellently, and be a persuasive orator.
23For that year were my studies intermitted: whilst after my return from Madaura (a neighbour city, whither I had journeyed to learn grammar and rhetoric), the expenses for a further journey to Carthage were being provided for me; and that rather by the resolution than the means of my father, who was but a poor freeman of Thagaste.
24To whom tell I this?
25not to Thee, my God; but before Thee to mine own kind, even to that small portion of mankind as may light upon these writings of mine.
26And to what purpose?
27that whosoever reads this, may think out of what depths we are to cry unto Thee.
28For what is nearer to Thine ears than a confessing heart, and a life of faith?
29Who did not extol my father, for that beyond the ability of his means, he would furnish his son with all necessaries for a far journey for his studies' sake?
30For many far abler citizens did no such thing for their children.
31But yet this same father had no concern how I grew towards Thee, or how chaste I were; so that I were but copious in speech, however barren I were to Thy culture, O God, who art the only true and good Lord of Thy field, my heart.
32But while in that my sixteenth year I lived with my parents, leaving all school for a while (a season of idleness being interposed through the narrowness of my parents' fortunes), the briers of unclean desires grew rank over my head, and there was no hand to root them out.
33When that my father saw me at the baths, now growing towards manhood, and endued with a restless youthfulness, he, as already hence anticipating his descendants, gladly told it to my mother; rejoicing in that tumult of the senses wherein the world forgetteth Thee its Creator, and becometh enamoured of Thy creature, instead of Thyself, through the fumes of that invisible wine of its self-will, turning aside and bowing down to the very basest things.
34But in my mother's breast Thou hadst already begun Thy temple, and the foundation of Thy holy habitation, whereas my father was as yet but a Catechumen, and that but recently.
35She then was startled with a holy fear and trembling; and though I was not as yet baptised, feared for me those crooked ways in which they walk who turn their back to Thee, and not their face.
36Woe is me!
37and dare I say that Thou heldest Thy peace, O my God, while I wandered further from Thee?
38Didst Thou then indeed hold Thy peace to me?
39And whose but Thine were these words which by my mother, Thy faithful one, Thou sangest in my ears?
40Nothing whereof sunk into my heart, so as to do it.
41For she wished, and I remember in private with great anxiety warned me, "not to commit fornication; but especially never to defile another man's wife." These seemed to me womanish advices, which I should blush to obey.
42But they were Thine, and I knew it not: and I thought Thou wert silent and that it was she who spake; by whom Thou wert not silent unto me; and in her wast despised by me, her son, the son of Thy handmaid, Thy servant.
43But I knew it not; and ran headlong with such blindness, that amongst my equals I was ashamed of a less shamelessness, when I heard them boast of their flagitiousness, yea, and the more boasting, the more they were degraded: and I took pleasure, not only in the pleasure of the deed, but in the praise.
44What is worthy of dispraise but vice?
45But I made myself worse than I was, that I might not be dispraised; and when in any thing I had not sinned as the abandoned ones, I would say that I had done what I had not done, that I might not seem contemptible in proportion as I was innocent; or of less account, the more chaste.
46Behold with what companions I walked the streets of Babylon, and wallowed in the mire thereof, as if in a bed of spices and precious ointments.
47And that I might cleave the faster to its very centre, the invisible enemy trod me down, and seduced me, for that I was easy to be seduced.
48Neither did the mother of my flesh (who had now fled out of the centre of Babylon, yet went more slowly in the skirts thereof as she advised me to chastity, so heed what she had heard of me from her husband, as to restrain within the bounds of conjugal affection, if it could not be pared away to the quick) what she felt to be pestilent at present and for the future dangerous.
49She heeded not this, for she feared lest a wife should prove a clog and hindrance to my hopes.
50Not those hopes of the world to come, which my mother reposed in Thee; but the hope of learning, which both my parents were too desirous I should attain; my father, because he had next to no thought of Thee, and of me but vain conceits; my mother, because she accounted that those usual courses of learning would not only be no hindrance, but even some furtherance towards attaining Thee.
51For thus I conjecture, recalling, as well as I may, the disposition of my parents.
52The reins, meantime, were slackened to me, beyond all temper of due severity, to spend my time in sport, yea, even unto dissoluteness in whatsoever I affected.
53And in all was a mist, intercepting from me, O my God, the brightness of Thy truth; and mine iniquity burst out as from very fatness.
54Theft is punished by Thy law, O Lord, and the law written in the hearts of men, which iniquity itself effaces not.
55For what thief will abide a thief?
56not even a rich thief, one stealing through want.
57Yet I lusted to thieve, and did it, compelled by no hunger, nor poverty, but through a cloyedness of well-doing, and a pamperedness of iniquity.
58For I stole that, of which I had enough, and much better.
59Nor cared I to enjoy what I stole, but joyed in the theft and sin itself.
60A pear tree there was near our vineyard, laden with fruit, tempting neither for colour nor taste.
61To shake and rob this, some lewd young fellows of us went, late one night (having according to our pestilent custom prolonged our sports in the streets till then), and took huge loads, not for our eating, but to fling to the very hogs, having only tasted them.
62And this, but to do what we liked only, because it was misliked.
63Behold my heart, O God, behold my heart, which Thou hadst pity upon in the bottom of the bottomless pit.
64Now, behold, let my heart tell Thee what it sought there, that I should be gratuitously evil, having no temptation to ill, but the ill itself.
65It was foul, and I loved it; I loved to perish, I loved mine own fault, not that for which I was faulty, but my fault itself.
66Foul soul, falling from Thy firmament to utter destruction; not seeking aught through the shame, but the shame itself!
67For there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and silver, and all things; and in bodily touch, sympathy hath much influence, and each other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered.
68Worldy honour hath also its grace, and the power of overcoming, and of mastery; whence springs also the thirst of revenge.
69But yet, to obtain all these, we may not depart from Thee, O Lord, nor decline from Thy law.
70The life also which here we live hath its own enchantment, through a certain proportion of its own, and a correspondence with all things beautiful here below.
71Human friendship also is endeared with a sweet tie, by reason of the unity formed of many souls.
72Upon occasion of all these, and the like, is sin committed, while through an immoderate inclination towards these goods of the lowest order, the better and higher are forsaken,—Thou, our Lord God, Thy truth, and Thy law.
73For these lower things have their delights, but not like my God, who made all things; for in Him doth the righteous delight, and He is the joy of the upright in heart.
74When, then, we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not, unless it appear that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those which we called lower goods, or a fear of losing them.
75For they are beautiful and comely; although compared with those higher and beatific goods, they be abject and low.
76A man hath murdered another; why?
77he loved his wife or his estate; or would rob for his own livelihood; or feared to lose some such things by him; or, wronged, was on fire to be revenged.
78Would any commit murder upon no cause, delighted simply in murdering?
79who would believe it?
80for as for that furious and savage man, of whom it is said that he was gratuitously evil and cruel, yet is the cause assigned; "lest" (saith he) "through idleness hand or heart should grow inactive." And to what end?
81that, through that practice of guilt, he might, having taken the city, attain to honours, empire, riches, and be freed from fear of the laws, and his embarrassments from domestic needs, and consciousness of villainies.
82So then, not even Catiline himself loved his own villainies, but something else, for whose sake he did them.
83What then did wretched I so love in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed of darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age?
84Lovely thou wert not, because thou wert theft.
85But art thou any thing, that thus I speak to thee?
86Fair were the pears we stole, because they were Thy creation, Thou fairest of all, Creator of all, Thou good God; God, the sovereign good and my true good.
87Fair were those pears, but not them did my wretched soul desire; for I had store of better, and those I gathered, only that I might steal.
88For, when gathered, I flung them away, my only feast therein being my own sin, which I was pleased to enjoy.
89For if aught of those pears came within my mouth, what sweetened it was the sin.
90And now, O Lord my God, I enquire what in that theft delighted me; and behold it hath no loveliness; I mean not such loveliness as in justice and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind and memory, and senses, and animal life of man; nor yet as the stars are glorious and beautiful in their orbs; or the earth, or sea, full of embryo-life, replacing by its birth that which decayeth; nay, nor even that false and shadowy beauty which belongeth to deceiving vices.
91For so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou alone art God exalted over all.
92Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory?
93whereas Thou alone art to be honoured above all, and glorious for evermore.
94The cruelty of the great would fain be feared; but who is to be feared but God alone, out of whose power what can be wrested or withdrawn?
95when, or where, or whither, or by whom?
96The tendernesses of the wanton would fain be counted love: yet is nothing more tender than Thy charity; nor is aught loved more healthfully than that Thy truth, bright and beautiful above all.
97Curiosity makes semblance of a desire of knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest all.
98Yea, ignorance and foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and uninjuriousness; because nothing is found more single than Thee: and what less injurious, since they are his own works which injure the sinner?
99Yea, sloth would fain be at rest; but what stable rest besides ?
100Luxury affects to be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art the fulness and never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures.
101Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality: but Thou art the most overflowing Giver of all good.
102Covetousness would possess many things; and Thou possessest all things.
103Envy disputes for excellency: what more excellent than Thou?
104Anger seeks revenge: who revenges more justly than Thou?
105Fear startles at things unwonted and sudden, which endangers things beloved, and takes forethought for their safety; but to Thee what unwonted or sudden, or who separateth from Thee what Thou lovest?
106Or where but with Thee is unshaken safety?
107Grief pines away for things lost, the delight of its desires; because it would have nothing taken from it, as nothing can from Thee.
108Thus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from Thee, seeking without Thee, what she findeth not pure and untainted, till she returns to Thee.
109Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee, who remove far from Thee, and lift themselves up against Thee.
110But even by thus imitating Thee, they imply Thee to be the Creator of all nature; whence there is no place whither altogether to retire from Thee.
111What then did I love in that theft?
112and wherein did I even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my Lord?
113Did I wish even by stealth to do contrary to Thy law, because by power I could not, so that being a prisoner, I might mimic a maimed liberty by doing with impunity things unpermitted me, a darkened likeness of Thy Omnipotency?
114Behold, Thy servant, fleeing from his Lord, and obtaining a shadow.
115O rottenness, O monstrousness of life, and depth of death!
116could I like what I might not, only because I might not?
117What shall I render unto , that, whilst my memory recalls these things, my soul is not affrighted at them?
118I will love Thee, O Lord, and thank Thee, and confess unto Thy name; because Thou hast forgiven me these so great and heinous deeds of mine.
119To Thy grace I ascribe it, and to Thy mercy, that Thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice.
120To Thy grace I ascribe also whatsoever I have not done of evil; for what might I not have done, who even loved a sin for its own sake?
121Yea, all I confess to have been forgiven me; both what evils I committed by my own wilfulness, and what by Thy guidance I committed not.
122What man is he, who, weighing his own infirmity, dares to ascribe his purity and innocency to his own strength; that so he should love Thee the less, as if he had less needed Thy mercy, whereby Thou remittest sins to those that turn to Thee?
123For whosoever, called by Thee, followed Thy voice, and avoided those things which he reads me recalling and confessing of myself, let him not scorn me, who being sick, was cured by that Physician, through whose aid it was that he was not, or rather was less, sick: and for this let him love Thee as much, yea and more; since by whom he sees me to have been recovered from such deep consumption of sin, by Him he sees himself to have been from the like consumption of sin preserved.
124What fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the remembrance whereof I am now ashamed?
125Especially, in that theft which I loved for the theft's sake; and it too was nothing, and therefore the more miserable I, who loved it.
126Yet alone I had not done it: such was I then, I remember, alone I had never done it.
127I loved then in it also the company of the accomplices, with whom I did it?
128I did not then love nothing else but the theft, yea rather I did love nothing else; for that circumstance of the company was also nothing.
129What is, in truth?
130who can teach me, save He that enlighteneth my heart, and discovereth its dark corners?
131What is it which hath come into my mind to enquire, and discuss, and consider?
132For had I then loved the pears I stole, and wished to enjoy them, I might have done it alone, had the bare commission of the theft sufficed to attain my pleasure; nor needed I have inflamed the itching of my desires by the excitement of accomplices.
133But since my pleasure was not in those pears, it was in the offence itself, which the company of fellow-sinners occasioned.
134What then was this feeling?
135For of a truth it was too foul: and woe was me, who had it.
136But yet what was it?
137Who can understand his errors?
138It was the sport, which as it were tickled our hearts, that we beguiled those who little thought what we were doing, and much disliked it.
139Why then was my delight of such sort that I did it not alone?
140Because none doth ordinarily laugh alone?
141ordinarily no one; yet laughter sometimes masters men alone and singly when no one whatever is with them, if anything very ludicrous presents itself to their senses or mind.
142Yet I had not done this alone; alone I had never done it.
143Behold my God, before Thee, the vivid remembrance of my soul; alone, I had never committed that theft wherein what I stole pleased me not, but that I stole; nor had it alone liked me to do it, nor had I done it.
144O friendship too unfriendly!
145thou incomprehensible inveigler of the soul, thou greediness to do mischief out of mirth and wantonness, thou thirst of others' loss, without lust of my own gain or revenge: but when it is said, "Let's go, let's do it," we are ashamed not to be shameless.
146Who can disentangle that twisted and intricate knottiness?
147Foul is it: I hate to think on it, to look on it.
148But Thee I long for, O Righteousness and Innocency, beautiful and comely to all pure eyes, and of a satisfaction unsating.
149With Thee is rest entire, and life imperturbable.
150Whoso enters into Thee, enters into the joy of his Lord: and shall not fear, and shall do excellently in the All-Excellent.
151I sank away from Thee, and I wandered, O my God, too much astray from Thee my stay, in these days of my youth, and I became to myself a barren land.
